I never grieved for him like I used to grieve for the others. I wouldn’t listen to sad love songs and pine and reminisce for him and the memories we had together. Love songs brought up emptiness for him in me. Until one day I heard a sad song and I began pining for myself…the self I had lost. I realized I was in a sad love story with myself. I missed myself. Did I ever really know her? Did I every really try and give her my all? The memories I denied myself that I had with her were slowly revealing themselves to me and I felt sad and inspired by the short time and special moments i had with her. I felt sadness for how much I denied the power of those moments with her. I treated her like shit. I denied her existence. Yet I was so angry at her that she kept making a shit show out of everything. It was such a destructive and toxic relationship. I expected so much out of her yet I never acknowledged her needs…her wants…her boundaries. I just fucking made her take it…I made her take it all. ALL. She endured my abuses of her. She let me whore her out to all the ones who didn’t give a shit. She would cry but I would just tell her to shut up and move on. It’s not a big deal. They will care next time. Just do it better next time. I would assure her that she was safe with me. She would cower in the corner and I would make her show up with her strong mask on. Don’t take this off! I would demand of her. She wouldn’t. She grew resentful of me and she distanced herself from me. I don’t blame her now….but then I did.